Good enough sex or delicious pleasure

– the scary path of wanting, but not wanting sex

For many years, I was stuck in the good enough. I lied to myself, faked orgasms, and eventually lost interest in sex pretty much all together. The truth is, no one longs for bad, unsatisfying sex. So what can we do to build that delicious, intimate connection with a partner? We need to understand what is happening in our body.

Is orgasm the most important thing?
Probably not. Buuuuuut ...

The question I get asked most frequently is related to sexual climax: Is orgasm the most important element for pleasurable intimacy? My answer: probably not. Buuuuuut …. If you do not know how to reach climax and are not or only infrequently experiencing orgasms when having sex, then yes, I do believe it is the most urgent thing to talk about. Because if we do not reach the finishing line, our body will start working against us by shutting down our desire and focusing its energy elsewhere. Simply put, there is a built in reward system in our brain (dopamine being the responsible neurotransmitter here) that’s directly linked to our sexual desire (there are many other things affecting desire, but that is for another conversation). If we continuously experience sex leading to no reward, meaning no orgasm, then our brain will eventually start saying ‘nope, been there, done that … it wasn’t worth it’. Wanting sex becomes a task and before you know it, desire has disappeared and sex fits right in with all the other stressors in life – work, kids, family, finances … It becomes a chore and the bare thought of it, leads to a release of cortisol, the stress hormone, in your body. Not a very sexy place to start from …

How to get from 'nope, not worth my time' to
'ooh yes, I want more of that'

Now how do we turn the wheel around and move from frustratingly low desire and unsatisfying intimacy to delicious pleasure? We rewire our brain, one pleasurable experience at the time.

When I was a little girl, my parents often took us hiking in the Austrian mountains and I remember there always being a rucksack full of goodies that got unpacked once we had reached our destination. I am sure I wasn’t always in the mood for those long hikes, but I don’t remember. What I do remember is sitting and opening that backpack. I remember the sweet taste of an apple on top of a mountain or that home-baked cookie my mum snuck in … a memory that makes me feel really good. The point of my little story is that knowing we get a taste of deliciousness once we have climbed that mountain, will help us want to walk up there in the first place. If we then choose to rather not indulge, that is perfectly okay, but it must not be up to fate. So yes, I do believe that we have to shine the light on climax, just for a moment, making sure that you get something out of the deal and that, as a result, your body is working with and not against you.

Once we have sorted out the reward and cortisol is back on our side, we get to shift our focus to oxytocin – one of the hormones released during orgasm, responsible for making us feel connected and safe. Oxytocin relaxes our nervous system and, as a result, enhances emotional closeness – inside and outside the bedroom. It helps bring our guards down and gives us a moment to breathe, so our brain does not immediately jump to cortisol (stress hormone) when being touched. Instead, we begin to tap into the small pleasures that live in our day-to-day: a hug, a shared laugh, time to enjoy delicious food or a good movie together, a little spank … the list is endless and really entirely up to you. You get to learn what tickles your fancy and make your own rules on what you want your intimacy to look and feel like. Because at the end of the day, the choice of what deep pleasure means to you, must entirely be made by you.

Need help to navigate it all? Please reach out. I would love to walk the journey from good enough sex to delicious pleasure alongside with you.