Bodysex – my way home
"I did not come. Again. Geez, how can this be so difficult. I used to like sex – right!? In fact, I have no idea. Maybe I just liked the idea of sex. Back in the day. Before three kids and a decade of marriage. For some reason, orgasm is suddenly more important than ever. Maybe, just maybe, I am more important to myself than ever. I will figure this out. I have to figure this one out …"
Conversations with Myself
To this day, I remember these kinds of conversations I had with myself clearly. I was desperate. In search of something without knowing what I was looking for or where to find it, but I did not give up … until the day a friend told me about Betty Dodson and Carlin Ross. 24 hours later I had not only gained hope from watching the episode on goop but had found out all there was to know about who these incredible women were and what their work was all about. Sadly, I never got to meet Betty in person – she had passed 2 months before I had found her – but was very excited to find out that Carlin had taken the work online due to the lockdown/pandemic. I instantly knew that this was it. The answer to all the frustrating conversations I had had with myself was called ‘Virtual Bodysex Workshop’. My life was about to change forever.
Our first session was enlightening as much as it was frustrating. I was angry at the world for the lack of information I had been given. For crippling me all these years. For having blinded me for what was right in front of my eyes. The rage I was feeling was as overwhelming as the joyful appreciation for having found what felt like the ultimate, divine, feminine revelation. Tears of anger were mixed with those of relief, gratitude, and pure happiness. I had found my way home. Home to myself. Home to my pleasure.
‘I am nervous’, is what I said as we started genital show & tell. I remember the two glasses of wine I drank before the session, followed by lots of water because of course I wanted to be as sober as I could be for the experience … I have to giggle remembering that all it did was send me to the toilet thrice before we could get started. Once I was looking at my own vulva – really, truly looking at it for the first time – I was flabbergasted. How was it possible that so many people had already seen what I was truly seeing for the first time? How was I still entangled in all these structures I had been trying to break out of for so many years? I remember holding my breath. Feeling as if my universe had stopped moving for just a split second, just to then give me a little push in the right direction. The direction of pleasure. My direction home.
‘I am nervous’, is what I told the photographer as we drove towards the beach, leaving the sleeping city behind us, ‘I have never done anything like this before.’
It was almost a year later that I decided to have nude photos of myself taken on the beach in Cape Town – my happiest of happy places. ‘I am nervous’, is what I told the photographer as we drove towards the beach, leaving the sleeping city behind us, ‘I have never done anything like this before.’ ‘Luckily I have’, he said smiling, putting me at ease. Twenty minutes later, I was lying naked in the sand, the rising sunlight in my eyes, the crashing waves of the Atlantic Ocean in my ears, with tears running wild and free. Happy tears. Grateful tears. Tears of true belonging. It was in that moment that I understood I had never been nervous. Not once since I had found Bodysex. I thought I was. Had to be. Of course, I had to be, exposing myself like this. In front of others, in front of myself. But the truth is that deep inside there was this feeling of calm. Of truth. Of home. My home. It had been there all along.
So, it felt natural when I said yes to my graphic designer when he first presented the idea of putting my naked butt on the landing page of my website. Much thought had gone into what I wanted that page to say. To feel like. To be like. For myself as well as to others. Sharing my nudity was a big deal as much as it was not. I often tell my kids that ‘It is just an ass. Not more and not less. We all have one.’ and by the time my page went online, that is truly how I felt. But of course, there is more to it. A lot more. More than my naked bottom, I am sharing one of the most intimate moments I have ever experienced with myself. And though the world out there does not know this, it is essential for me. For I am doing this on my own terms only. Since that first time I sat in the virtual room with Carlin, the moment I actively chose to allow pleasure into my life, I got to do life on my own terms. Make some pretty big decisions …
And so, it feels like a moment of closure as I am about to pack up our household and move my family down south – to the place that has and probably always will be my true soul’s home. In just a few weeks, I will be sitting on that sandy beach again, grateful for having been afforded to walk the path of pleasure. For having had the opportunity to turn shame into pride and lack into fulfillment. For finally having the sex I always wanted to have. And for having found me along the way. This, I know, is bliss.
If you are interested in joining me for a sensual pleasure retreat in Cape Town, South Africa, or don’t want to miss any of the other upcoming news, make sure to sign up for my newsletter. Dates, details and a few other juicy matters will be announced soon.